Think Like A Pirate
by turbomagnus
Summary: After Kavanaugh gets on Elizabeth's last nerve, she catches John watching a movie and it gives her an idea. Atlantis is on the water, after all, so why can't she make someone walk the plank?


Author's Note: The 365 Project is an experimental _multi-fandom_ project to write and post at least one short every day for the next year, not including my semi-regular bi-weekly updates. For more details, see the relevent section in my profile. This is The 365 Project, 3 September.

In the immortal words of Samuel L. Clemens... "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."

Disclaimer: I don't own the "Stargate" universe of shows in general or "Stargate: Atlantis" specifically, merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit. The movie featured within is "Down Periscope", which I don't own either.

Summary: After Kavanaugh gets on Elizabeth's last nerve, she catches John watching a movie and it gives her an idea. Atlantis is on the water, after all, so what can't she make someone walk the plank?

Timeframe; before contact is re-established with Earth, since I don't think they'd be able to get away with it after.

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><p>-o0O0o-<p>

"Think Like A Pirate"  
>By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'<p>

-o0O0o-

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><p>If her time in the Pegasus galaxy had taught her anything, it was that Doctor Elizabeth Weir had learned beyond all doubt that a person's record only told half the story; what they had done and sometimes how, but very rarely why. John - Major Sheppard, Elizabeth reminded herself firmly - his record had black marks and anyone looking at it would wonder why he was still in the military, much less part of the Atlantis Expedition - even with his possessing the highest currently known ATA-gene levels. It was after being stranded in Pegasus with him that Elizabeth had come to realise that John - Sheppard's - problem, if one could call it that, was that he did what he thought was the right thing <em>as a person<em> to do, not always the right thing as a soldier or even as a human or Earthling. Some people, on the other hand, had excellent professional records, almost gleaming; but as people, they reminded Elizabeth of some of the worst System Lords she had dealt with during her short command of the SGC...

Like Kavanaugh.

Elizabeth firmly believed in diplomacy and peaceful negotiation, but there were times when he just pushed her to wanting to shoot him. At one point, John - Major Sheppard, she reminded herself again - had even gone so far as to comment that next time they had a Wraith prisoner, Kavanaugh could be used to feed them. She wasn't entirely sure he was joking, either. There was just something about the man that even caused people who could otherwise make friends almost anywhere with almost anyone to just not like him. Elizabeth supposed it was likely Kavanaugh's attitude; Doctor McKay could be derisive, rude and self-promoting, but even his insults were rarely personal - except with Jo-Major Sheppard, who seemed to treat them as a kind of brotherly affection; Kavanaugh, on the other hand, seemed to take pleasure in putting other members of the Expedition down and mocking them, claiming that everyone except himself was incompetent...

Elizabeth tried to tell herself that it wasn't when he started making his comments about how he should be in charge of the Expedition that Kavanaugh really got to her, but she knew she was lying to herself. Today's request - no, not request, it was closer to a demand - that his labs be given higher priority in Atlantis's power distribution over McKay's ZPM research or even the translation work on the city's Ancient database has left her so angry that she found herself now stalking the city's corridors trying to work off her frustration without losing her temper on anyone. She was actually passing by the entertainment room where one of the televisions were set up when a voice caught her attention.

"This is crazy! This can't be happening! You've lost it, Dodge! You've gone 'round the bend! You'll hang for this! Stop or you'll all hang!" Even though the voice was different, the similarities in attitude between whoever was speaking and Kavanaugh drew Elizabeth's attention and she carefully stuck her head around the doorframe to see what was going on.

She couldn't be sure, but it looked like some military officer was being made to walk the plank.

"Eternal ocean from which we came, recieve Lieutenant Martin Pascal... may God have mercy on his soul..." The vessel's appearent Captain proclaimed from a place overlooking the deck and the plank.

"Now you're mine, maggot... Watch that last step..." the pirate - at least Elizabeth thought they looked like a pirate - holding the person she supposed was Lieutenant Martin Pascal sneered before pushing him off the end of the plank, causing her to gasp softly.

Then she watched as the camera panned with Pascal's fall to show him landing in the nets of a fishing boat floating next to the larger vessel. As the majority of the vessel's crew laughed and cheered, the Captain lifted the eyepatch he was wearing to reveal a perfectly good eye and addressed the crew of the fishing boat.

"The U.S. Navy thanks you for your help, gentlemen," the captain finished with a salute.

One of the fishermen returned the salute, "Any time!"

Pascal shouted out a curse at the Captain - his name was Dodge, from what was said - and then Elizabeth watched as the same - sailor, it seemed - that had pushed Pascal off the plank tossed a bag which she guessed contained the Lieutenant's belongings into the net after him, causing it to land directly on him.

While the rest of the crew continued to cheer, Dodge looked over a railing down at a female officer - still dressed in proper uniform unlike the others - stood with her arms crossed.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Lieutenant?"

The female Lieutenant didn't verbally reply, she just looked at Dodge for a moment before turning and walking off-screen. A slight coughing sound shook Elizabeth from her focus on the movie.

"If you want," John - the Major, Elizabeth was reaching the conclusion that she would have to have a long talk with certain rebellious and hormonal parts of her brain - looked at her over the back of the couch on which he was sitting, "I can start it back over at the beginning so you can see the whole thing."

Slightly embarrassed at being caught, Elizabeth stepped around the doorframe and into the entertainment room.

"What are you watching?" she asked, carefully.

"'Down Periscope'," John answered enthusiastically, "It's an old comedy starring Kelsey Grammar as Commander Tom Dodge, a Navy officer with a complete disregard for the book but amazing talent for what he does. The basic plot is that he's been ordered to take a pre-atomic submarine out and play 'aggressor' for a wargame involving attacks on major ports; he was even ordered to 'don't go by the book, think like a pirate'. The guy they just threw overboard is super-strictly by the book and when the Admiral commanding the defenders reduced the size of the wargame's playing field and Dodge refused to acknowledge it, he tries to lead a mutiny. He got caught out by the fact that most of the crew is misfits and rejects, so they're perfectly fine with Dodge's methods and well, like you just saw, they make him walk the plank."

Elizabeth frowned, "Is he really that bad?"

"He reminds me of Kavanaugh," John answered, unknowingly echoing her earlier observation.

Elizabeth crossed the room to stand at the end of the couch, "How much like Kavanaugh?"

John blinked and found himself having to inquire, "Why do you ask?"

She looked from the empty spot next to him on the couch - why did she have to think of it as being 'next to him', there went that rebellious part of her mind again - to the television, "Start it back at the beginning and move down a little more, I'll explain while we watch..."

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><p>-o0o-<p>

He never expected to be awakened so roughly, blindfolded and gagged like some kind of prisoner and dragged out of bed, his muffled demands to know what was happening and who was doing this ignored. After a few moments of being manhandled through the corridors of Atlantis, Doctor Kavanaugh recognised the sensation of one of the city's teleporters before he was being uncourteously pushed and shoved again. When the physicality finally ceased, Kavanaugh could smell the briney scent of the ocean that surrounded the city. That and he could hear some kind of indistinct chanting, too many voices for him to make out what was being said, much less any individuals.

"Doc-ter Kavanaugh!" an electronically distorted voice called out as the chanting faded to silence, "Have ya any last words before ye walk the plank?"

Kavanaugh's shouting was indistinct through the gag, but those gathered on one of Atlantis' piers were all able to get the general idea of what he meant, even without hearing the actual words, and it hardened their hearts. There would be no reprieve for him that day.

"Consign him to the deep!"

The distorted voice called out the order and the same people who had brought Kavanaugh there began to force him to the water's edge, the doctor swearing revenge and punishment through his gag all the way. Then the distorted voice began to speak again...

"Eternal Ocean from which we came..."


End file.
